Fair Winds and Following Seas

I apologize for the crazy stream of consciousness that this post contains...I am trying to work through everything from today...and maybe even force myself into having that 'one good cry' that will hopefully get me over the hump and cruising through this deployment like a pro. I almost got there after we got home from the pier, but with a child who didn't want to take a nap, I  have just ended up feeling pretty raw all afternoon.  

Today was the day.  Deployment day.  We were prepared for this, everything on our to-do list was completed and so we were worry free about all those loose ends as this date finally arrived on the calendar.

We woke up this morning and Shane cooked breakfast for us.  Trevor loves when Shane cooks, because that means pancakes!  I just burn them...need to work on that.  We packed up the last of Shaner's stuff and headed off to the ship.  We were able to spend some time with him on board, before they asked the families to depart so that they could begin their final preparations.  Shane walked us back off the pier and we said our goodbyes before I went to help out with the FRG group and wait to see the ship pull out.

Goodbye this time around was different than the last couple of times in a few ways.  On the carrier, I always dropped him off at the ship the night before they left, and then we were able to say goodnight on the phone one last time before we went to sleep that night.  This time there was more finality to it all.  There wasn't going to be a phone call a few hours later, or texts the next morning before they got underway for good.  Hugs didn't seem that they were ever tight enough this time, and one last kiss wasn't enough before we went our separate ways and he walked down the pier for the last in a very long time.

We did get to see and hear from Shane one more time before they manned the rails and pulled out.  He was able to come back to the back of the ship and wave to us, so getting that one last look really helped.  We stayed there at the pier until the ship was gone and then Trevor and I headed home.

As much as I have ever wished for peace and quiet around the house, today the silence was deafening.  It has never seen more empty than it did today.  I know that will change, but after having Shane home for so long (and not even thinking about the last couple of weeks, but the almost 5 years since he returned from his last deployment) it seemed so much different. Tonight, I am taking comfort in feeling our little girl kicking inside me.  It makes me feel that he isn't entirely gone and the silence isn't as bad as it initially seemed when we got home earlier. 

I do wish that he didn't have to go, but that isn't my focus as much as it was with past deployments.  I know that he has to go, and that he is out doing the job he loves, serving a country he loves.  How can I not support him in that?  The sadness this time comes from all the things that I know are to come...things that he will miss, things that I don't want to experience alone, but will have to anyway, and things that Trevor will miss.  

Trevor has been handling everything pretty well.  A couple of times he has said that he misses daddy.  I knew that bedtimes were going to be rough for him, so tonight I gave him a jar full of hershey kisses filled with one "goodnight kiss" from daddy to last from now until when Shaner should be home. He seems pretty excited about it, and hopefully it will help with counting down at a level he can understand.

I am off to bed...getting to bed will officially mark the end of the first day of the deployment.  It has to start somewhere.